Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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