Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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