I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
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She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
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I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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