Ketchup is God's man juice
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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