i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
