i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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