Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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