we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
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