Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
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