My nipple is on Facebook.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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