dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
