I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Randomize
