Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
