So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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