Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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