Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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