I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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