PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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