She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
