i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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