just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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