I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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