I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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