I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
