there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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