Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
