I want to have your abortion
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize