Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
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This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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