for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
