oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
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someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
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I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.