Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
