went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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