I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
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I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
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I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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