im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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