Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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