just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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