i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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