it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
