Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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