why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
