So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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