the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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