she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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