Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
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fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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