the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
