u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
