I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
