My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
