I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
