Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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