Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
