god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
