You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
