I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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