I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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