I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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