Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
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Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.