sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome